User blog:PeabodySam/Why LEGO Universe Closed
WARNING: THIS BLOG POST CONTAINS MATURE SUBJECT MATTER, BARNEY THE DINOSAUR, TV TROPES, NUDITY, DISTURBING IMAGES, AND MY LITTLE PONY. PARENTAL DISCRETION IS ADVISED. After much research into this subject, I've determined the true reason behind LEGO Universe's closure. LEGO Universe was quite financially successful despite The LEGO Group's official word on the subject of LEGO Universe's closure clearly stating otherwise, and with a chat filter so thick that nothing can get through, The LEGO Group had nothing to fear from people using foul language or spreading phone numbers via LEGO Universe, so it was all safe for the little kiddies. However, based upon my gameplay experience of LEGO Universe, LEGO's official word, interviews with developers, content on this wiki, and half-heard rumors and conspiracy theories from the darkest and shadiest and least trustworthy corners of the internet, I've come up with a conclusion that clearly explains it all. You see, there was a LEGO Universe developer. For so-called legal reasons that were likely made up on the spot, I am not at liberty to name him, but his initials are John Doe. Where have you heard that name before? It's not like it's a generic pseudonym used to cover up peoples' names or anything like that. It's because you've seen John Doe's LEGO Universe avatar before. That's right. John Doe was a developer during the pre-alpha phase of LEGO Universe, during which time everything was happiness and sunshine and rainbows to such a sickening degree that even Barney the Dinosaur would look at the game and say, "Ugh, this Tastes Like Diabetes." Not to offend anyone with diabetes; I'm just quoting TV Tropes. What's TV Tropes, you ask? Google it, and next thing you know, it will be next week and you haven't moved from your computer chair. But for all the sickening sweetness of the LEGO Universe pre-alpha phase, it had heart. And John Doe the developer poured his heart out into LEGO Universe. Everything he touched turned to magic. He later sued a satyr who claimed that everything he would touch would turn to gold instead, but I digress. So, John Doe had created this entire LEGO Universe of happiness straight from his heart. Then, one day, those evil guys at NetDevil said, "Hey, you know what? This game is sickening even Barney the Dinosaur with its cheeriness. Let's go Darker And Edgier!" Oh, look, another TV Trope. And because those guys at NetDevil are just so evil, they took everything that John Doe had developed and just tossed it out the window, replacing everything with zombies, darkness, and Maelstrom. Poor John Doe's heart was broken. Or rather, tossed out the window. That's what happens when you pour your heart into something that doesn't last. Learn from John Doe's mistake, kids. He went to his employers and demanded, "Fire me." His employers said, "Later," and promptly shut the refrigerator door on him once again before proceeding to stuff an oversized baboon heart into the chest cavity of a Russian soldier. That was the worst mistake that LEGO Universe ever made. No, not the stuffing-an-oversized-baboon-heart-into-the-chest-cavity-of-a-Russian-soldier bit. John Doe continued to work on developing LEGO Universe, but now he was no longer a developer who poured his heart out into his work. Now... he was the disgruntled employee, the bane of employers everywhere. Everyone thought that John Doe continued to just be a nice guy, but deep down, he said to himself while pretending to talk to his employers, "You want Darker And Edgier? I'll give you Darker And Edgier!" He planned to make LEGO Universe so Dark And Edgy that it would dare to trend into material where no LEGO game had ever gone before, as a real punch to the face of NetDevil. A subject so vile, so disgusting, so horrible, that it would instantly alienate the game from its core audience of 8-12 year old boys. John Doe created the character of Autumn Helix, an innocent-looking Assembly Summoner who could be easily exploited. Over the course of the year 2010, she gained the trust of many beta testers, who saw her for what John Doe wanted to see her as... innocent, sweet, kind, and naive. But then, when LEGO Universe was launched in October 2010, John Doe prepared for Autumn Helix to reveal her true purpose in November. And I'm not talking about her shifting inventory of plane models and zoo models. On November 20, 2010... Autumn Helix went wild. I was there, Gandalf. I was there one year, six months, and eight days ago. I was there when the strength of men failed. And what has been seen... cannot be unseen. As soon as I, CaptainGreybeard, recovered from my shock, I rebelled against John Doe's plan... by reporting the bug. Mythrans rushed in as quickly as they could to clothe the naked Autumn Helix, while Milo Snackpigeon hid in a bush to avoid attracting any attention. The day was saved, but the courage of men was shaken. And John Doe would not give up so long as LEGO Universe's servers were running. In the meantime, he sneaked in a few more inappropriate things here and there, such as a certain quote about bubblegum and the name of a certain top hat-wearing skeleton. Finally, the Fire Temple was on the horizon, and with it the much-anticipated boss battle against Lord Garmadon. And that is where John Doe decided to make his strike. He went into the coding, replacing Lord Garmadon with Milo Snackpigeon as he appeared in alpha testing and replacing all of his Skulkin minions that would participate in the battle with Autumn Helixes who would be going wild 24/7. This, for sure, would ruin LEGO Universe! Someone stumbled into John Doe's cubicle while Doe was claiming to be on lunch break, and he could see what his fellow employee was working on. As quickly as he could, he rushed to his employers, but along the way got distracted by a TV Tropes article about My Little Pony. By the time he managed to pull himself away, it was too late. Either they pull the plug, or they risk adding a Fire Temple with a Lord Garmadon boss battle so heavily hacked that it would cause Dr. Hax himself to run out of computers to throw. They pulled the plug. This is no mere conspiracy theory. This is legit! John Doe and his oh-so-innocent Autumn Helix is the reason why LEGO Universe is closed! Send him your hate mail! Contact LEGO Universe's developers and convince them that there's still time to fix this even though they've already pulled the plug and fired all their employees and dissolved the game itself! Oh, and... Jook Sonyu.